How To Handle Relationships With Emotionally Unavailable People

“Jesus Christ knows the worst about you. Nonetheless, He is the one who loves you most.” ~ AW Tozer

Have you ever wanted intimacy with someone, but were not able to experience it with them? If so, then you know the pain of loving someone that is emotionally unavailable. The loneliness and sadness that relationships with emotionally unavailable people bring can leave us feeling hopeless.

I know because I have relationships like this in my life. The pain can go deep and, if left unchecked, the emotions you feel can lead to resentment and bitterness. Of course, it’s your choice whether or not to maintain a relationship with someone that feels emotionally distant. Sadly, many cannot handle the lack of intimate connection and will choose to walk away.

There is, however, a way to handle your relationships and not feel hurt by the emotionally unavailable people in your life.

Here are 3 adjustments you can make to help you better understand, and find some level of intimacy, with the relationships in your life that feel emotionally distant.

1. Stop taking it personally.

Because of some childhood trauma I experienced, I grew up with feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem. Most of my life, I validated the poor behavior of others, instead of validating my own. Consequently, my natural instinct has been to take other people’s behavior personally. This means that whenever someone is emotionally distant with me, I immediately think it is because of something I have done. Someone’s evasiveness and unwillingness to invest more than the bare minimum in a relationship with me triggers me into thinking that it must be something about me that makes the other person behave in seemingly unloving ways. This, however, is a lie. My dear husband has helped me a lot in understanding this to be an untruth. He will say to me “Why do you always assume it’s something you did?” He is right. I mustn’t take someone else’s inability to be intimate as my fault.

Counseling, support groups and most importantly, Jesus’s love, have taught me to validate my own feelings.

 Through the help of Jesus and therapy, I have learned to love myself and to have the assurance of who I am as an individual, and as a child of God’s. I think it’s important to have confidence in your own self worth as it will help you to not take the behavior of others personally and feel hurt.

2. Understanding that love is expressed differently.

Something that has helped me tremendously in embracing my more challenging relationships is the realization that people express love differently. Have you noticed how some individuals are extremely bubbly and overflowing with love, while others are more reserved? Both are loving people, they just express their love in a different manner. This is one reason why Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is so popular. People express love in the capacity that have learned or were taught. This doesn’t make them “unloving,” or “emotionally unavailable.” It just makes them who they are. This mindset has helped me to handle those relationships that feel emotionally unavailable to me.

Those that are less expressive with their love are not unloving people.

We have to learn to find the good in each person. Accepting people with their uniqueness and how God has designed them is not only pleasing to God, but it helps you embrace others authentically. Life’s experiences, combined with how we are individually wired is what makes us each special in our own way.

3. Loving emotionally unavailable people allows you to share in God’s glory.

God understands emotionally unavailable people because He experiences those relationships all the time.

When we feel sad with those relationships that feel emotionally empty to us, we can find comfort in knowing that we are actually partnering with Christ when we suffer like this. 1 Peter 4:13 says, “Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.” Of course, it’s harder for us as human beings to handle these painful emotions, but it helps to remind ourselves that God has called us to strive to be more like Him and to grow in our holiness (1 Peter 1:16). Is it possible that He uses those emotionally unavailable relationships in our lives so that we can learn to love like He does? After all, our highest calling as Christ followers is to love others (1 John 3:16-24).

God doesn’t take it personally when His children are emotionally distant from Him. He understands their capacity to love.

We too can strive to love others like God does-unconditionally.

At the core of handling relationships with emotionally unavailable people in our lives, is a willingness to accept others as they are. Acceptance is the key to finding peace within our more challenging relationships. When we can embrace others as they are, we are loving them as Christ loves us.

Accepting others uniqueness helps us to detach with love from others inability to be as intimate as we desire.

In life, we are constantly faced with choices, and every choice we make has a consequence attached to it. In regards to the emotionally unavailable relationships in our lives, we also have a choice-we can choose to turn our sadness and pain to God, and ask Him to show us how to love like He does, or we can walk away. The choice will always be yours to make. There’s no doubt that staying in a relationship that feels distant is difficult, as it can feel lonely and empty. However, by detaching with love (not taking it personally), accepting that people are wired differently (and hence express their love differently), and leaning on God more (He understands your feelings), are a few ways to help you nurture these relationships with peace and joy.

We honor God when we love those that are more challenging to love. It’s easy to love those that love you back in ways that resonates with you (Luke 6:32). However, if you are willing to make the cry of your heart be “Father God, teach me how to love as You have loved me,” you will experience His amazing grace and power. There is something very special in being a vessel of Christ’s love here on earth. It is sacrificial love to embrace the emotionally unavailable people in your life despite your own sadness. Jesus loves us this way. When you love those that are harder to love you share in God’s glory. This is because loving the unlovables is evidence of His presence living within you.

What an opportunity to bring a taste of heaven down to earth.

“This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.” ~ John 15:12

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