Shame, Sexuality And The Christian

“God’s heart for our girls is sexual freedom—not freedom the way the world defines it, but freedom to live on the other side of shame. Freedom to be at peace with your own sexuality, not living in bondage to it. Jesus is an overcoming Savior for every part of your life: personal, spiritual, and sexual.”~ Phylicia Masonheimer

Sexual shame is like venom. It creeps into our lives subtly, creating toxicity to all of our relationships, to ourselves, and especially to our relationship with God.

The topic of sex and sexuality is often not talked about in our homes, or in our churches. And yet most Christians have baggage related to sexuality that is often kept in the dark, causing deep feelings of shame.

Shame kept in darkness will create more shame.

As the body of Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we, our loved ones, and others can break this vicious cycle and live in sexual freedom. This journey to freedom starts with open, honest discussion, and an accurate understanding of shame and sexuality.

Sex is often introduced in a negative context, causing many to have an adverse view of their own sexuality. Some uncover what sex is at a young age, through pornography, or from being raised in a home with poor boundaries. Often we witness a parent that behaved inappropriately, with others….or maybe even with us. For some, sex was introduced through an injustice done to them. Then here are others that are struggling with shame within their marriages; perhaps a spouse struggles with pornography, or has had an affair, or is possibly even addicted to sex. Or maybe it’s not your spouse, maybe it’s you, maybe you struggle with lust and fantasy. Or perhaps, you just find sex disgusting, and it causes feelings of shame. It could be you have a child that is struggling with his/her sexual identity. Maybe you are struggling with your sexual identity. And then there’s others that carry the burden of having made the choice to get an abortion. 

We may be coming from different places, but most of us, as Christians, have some connection with shame as related to sex and our own sexuality.

Shame associated with sexual sin, our own or that of others, is the heaviest.

When we have a distorted view of sex because of messages we grow up with, the actions of others, or from our own choices, satan will always monopolize on these warped perceptions, through feelings of shame.

Shame is heavy, unforgiving, relentless, and dark, and it pushes us into hiding.

Shame intimidates us into silence and the secrecy creates more shame.This is the vicious cycle that satan wants to keep us in.

The truth is, however, we can’t hide from God. He sees right through our shame and into our heart. He knows us better than we know ourselves. God may convict, but He will never shame us. He has lovingly assured us that with Him there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). We can live with the confidence that His love is unconditional, and that there is nothing that can separate us from His love for us (Roman 8:38-39).

Satan uses shame to keep us from having genuine lasting intimacy with a loving God, and with others. The further he can push us into shame the more distorted our view of God becomes. John 10: 10 tells us, “the thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy.” 

Satan condemns, God convicts.

The Holy Spirit, however, doesn’t let us live in peace when we are living in shame. That’s because He doesn’t want us living in any darkness. He is a God of light. John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.“

So how can we fight through and find healing from sexual shame?

For clarity purposes and to make it easier to process, I have come up with 5 steps to healing from sexual shame. Please understand my heart, I am not trying to minimize shame to a “5 steps to getting rid of shame” plan. Having dealt with a lot of sexual shame in my own personal life, I’m aware of how challenging and painful it is to face this demon. But since we are children of God, we don’t fight alone. The Holy Spirit fights for us and with us. We simply have to do our part of inviting Him in.

Step One: Willingness

The first step in finding healing from your shame is having a desire to be rid of it. Shame can feel like it’s a part of who are we. This is because we don’t recognize the impact it is having on us spiritually and emotionally. 

In John 5:6, it says, “When Jesus saw him lying there, he knew that the man had been crippled for a long time. So Jesus said to him, “Do you truly long to be healed?”

Jesus is asking you today, “do you truly long to be healed?”

Step Two:  Identification 

Step two towards finding freedom from shame is to shine the light and identify what the root cause of your shame is. Most of us don’t want to go there because it’s very painful and challenging to speak about the unspeakable.

Putting words to your shame is critical. You can’t fight something nameless.

We cannot let shame intimidate us into silence. 

Step Three: Confession

Step three requires taking off our veil of shame and sharing with God and with others.

The third step in overcoming feelings of sexual shame is confession. Confess to God and to a trusted friend, mentor or pastor.

Shine the light on your shame, through confession.

There is something incredibly powerful that happens when we expose the dark areas of our lives. Although this can be terrifying, the breakthrough you will feel will be worth it.  Confession is one of God’s tools for us to fight our battles. We are as sick as our secrets. Share your struggle with shame with a loving God and with a safe person, and allow them to help you in your healing process.

You may need a deliverance prayer. Find some prayer warriors/intercessors that are willing to do this for you.

Step Four: Forgiveness

Most likely you will have to work through and pray prayers of  forgiveness. You may have to forgive yourself, someone else, or maybe even God. I know that sounds odd, but sometimes we have to let go of resentment we may be carrying towards God. 

Unforgiveness keeps us trapped, but Jesus is faithful to help us through the process. This step is critical towards finding freedom from any sexual shame we are carrying.

Step Five: Community

We can’t get to a place of freedom and healing without community. We need intimacy with Jesus for sure, but we also need support through trustworthy people, within our communities. 

“Together” is a really good word (with wise and safe people). 

Support groups are extremely healing as well. You feel less shame when you can be with others that share and understand your pain. 

It helps to have others speak the truth about God’s love for us. Embracing the Father’s love is a big step towards breaking off the shackles of shame. God love you with an everlasting love. His love is unconditional. The entire Bible is about His love for us. But we have to believe that with our hearts.

When the shame we are living in is overbearing, we can choose to believe by faith that God is who He says He is-Faithful and true.

As the body of Christ, with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can help ourselves, our loved ones and others break this vicious cycle of living in shame related to sex and sexuality. Our part is to be willing to step in and open the door for God to enter in to our darkness. We have to invite the Holy Spirit in to help us take the first step towards healing. Having vulnerable and open discussions in our homes and in our churches, will begin to open the way towards walking in freedom from shame.

Jesus will be with you every step and His love will give you the courage and strength to fight the demons of shame.

So let’s do our part and fight this battle by starting authentic, honest conversations about sex and sexuality. Maybe then we, the body of Christ, could begin to have a healthy perspective on sex and sexuality.  But in order to do this, we need to first push shame out of the way.

I hope the steps listed here can be used as tools to help you towards freedom from any sexual shame you are carrying. God’s heart for His children is sexual freedom. As blogger, Phylicia Masonheimer, says, “…not freedom the way the world defines it, but freedom to live on the other side of shame. Freedom to be at peace with your own sexuality, not living in bondage to it. Jesus is an overcoming Savior for every part of your life: personal, spiritual, and sexual.” To this I say amen and amen.

“…and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” ~ 1 Peter 2:6

Photo credit: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Nikki Randall Photography