How Do I Know If I’m In Love?

“Love is not something you feel, it’s something you do.” ~ David Wilkerson

Have you ever wondered why it is said that people “fall” in love, or that it was love at “first sight”? These statements can often imply that love is something one just stumbles into. Many also believe that there’s one person, custom made for them, that will complete them. And when they meet, some mystical feeling will happen inside them and the relationship.

I agree with what Pastor John Mark Comer* says; “this search for a soulmate is paralyzing for people and is anti-biblical.”

There seems to be a big misconception about what true love is.

So, how do you know if you’re in love? This blog post is my meek attempt to help you better understand what this word means.

One of the most natural ways people determine if they want to date someone is by their emotions. A sense of excitement (sometimes referred as “sparks”) when meeting someone is often the barometer used to pursue a dating relationship. Feeling passionate about the person you’re dating isn’t a bad thing, but it can’t be the measuring stick for a relationship’s success.

Love grows slowly and is based on a decision. It takes time to get to know someone well and to develop a trusting friendship. Unfortunately, though, many, if they aren’t feeling something (sparks), don’t even give that person a chance. These people have decided, based on their feelings, that they don’t want to get to know the other individual. They are, of course, free to make such a conclusion.

On the other hand, let’s say two people meet and decide they want to get to know each other, this too is a choice. And hence, begins their journey together- date by date, decision after decision. Two people choosing to stay together, through the fun times and the hard. They have decided to allow love to evolve between them.

True love is a choice to be committed to one another.

This is one reason why some relationships fail from the beginning, while others take years to fall apart, and yet other relationships never fail. Falling in love is a conscious decision to want to be wholly committed to someone.

Hypothetically, you could love anyone… if you decided to, if you chose to. It’s a deception to think that love is something you have to find (or that it finds you), or something that happens to you, something you feel, or “fall” into. Love is simply a choice.

Love develops over time and has to be nurtured and maintained.

Love is like a seed you plant and take care of. It does not come easily. Too many (especially us romantics!) want to believe in some type of fairy tale romance where love comes instantly and effortlessly. This, however, is the precise reason why so many hearts get broken. It’s also why relationships and marriages are failing. Many have even given up on dating because they have lost hope in ever finding “true love,” and others go from relationship to relationship trying to “find” it. People misunderstand what true love is. Personally, I feel like people over think and over complicate what love is. It really doesn’t have to be as confusing as many make it. The truth is any two people, if they decided to, could make their relationship work. This is actually how arranged marriages work (and by the way, they do work).

True love is a decision. Both parties have to consciously decide that they care enough for their partner and that they are committed to working together through every difficulty or conflict they may face. Once you get married, this is a choice you will make consistently throughout your married life.

Love isn’t something you fall in to; it’s a choice you make.

In June my husband and I will celebrate our 29 year wedding anniversary. Anyone that knows Will and I, know that our marriage has been quite a roller coaster ride. I have sat at divorce’s doorsteps many times, thinking it was the solution to our problems. But here’s what I have learned in my years of marriage- the bottom line is two people being committed and refusing to give up. Staying together is a mindful decision my husband and I both make daily. We each value our relationship and are committed to one another, despite the challenges. By the grace of God, we are both willing to work through our struggles. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it because what we share is rare and beautiful. I now understand that this is what love is.

Falling in love is a decision, and staying in love is one too. Two people must choose to fight for one another, and have the courage to never quit (except in cases of emotional or physical abuse). This, dear friends, is true love. It’s how Jesus loves us, His bride. Our marriages are a living example of the gospel message. They are based on Christ’s resolve to stay forever committed to His bride, the church. May we each learn how to love others like He loves us.

“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” ~ Ephesians 4:2

*Pastor John Mark Comer (click here to hear his teaching on dating. Click here for his teaching on marriage).