“I’m not searching for my other half, because I’m not a half.” ~ Unknown
When David broke up with Betsy, she was stunned. In her mind, they were so happy together, laughing, sharing their dreams and visions, and just enjoying getting to know one another. She even allowed herself to wonder if God had brought her the man she would marry some day. And then boom, out of nowhere, he tells her it’s over. She felt crushed, disappointed, sad, and extremely confused.
Maybe you’ve been there. I know I have, many times (when I was single). You connect with someone so smoothly that you forget to guard your heart. You had even been praying and felt God’s peace that this was a right and good relationship for you. And then suddenly, like a tidal wave, all your hopes are washed away when you find out your partner has different feelings than you do. You’re left, weighed down, as you begin the process of picking up the broken pieces of your heart and begin learning how to adapt to life without this special person. After the initial shock wears off, you scratch your head, and wonder if you imagined the authenticity of the whole relationship.
When a seemingly good relationship ends suddenly, you may never know the answer to the question, “what happened?”
David and Betsy are but one example; broken relationships hurt deeply, damaging one’s self esteem and self worth. It happens too often; two people begin dating, they seem so perfect together. Then, abruptly, one pulls back, way back, and ends the whole thing. Whatever their explanation, it’s heart wrenching and leaves deep wounds of rejection and sorrow.
If people would take an honest look at their own brokenness, perhaps more heartbreaks could be prevented.
Most people don’t take the time to dig deep into their past pains and take a hard honest look at the condition of their own woundedness. They, therefore, never learn what it means to guard their own hearts or the hearts of others. They rush from relationship to relationship without pausing to find out the real reason why each one didn’t work out. Consequently, hearts are being deeply afflicted.
The chances are pretty high that if you don’t know yourself well, your relationships will suffer. You can, however, start today to give your future relationships, specifically your future spouse, the best gift- a strong and secure you!
But what does it mean to know yourself well?
Knowing yourself well means having an acute awareness of your self identity, your self-esteem, and your self-worth. It means having insight to your values, your strengths, and your weaknesses. This type of understanding comes through being vulnerable and honest with yourself first.
Our past undoubtedly shapes who we are today. Evaluating past hurts with all your relationships- friends, family, past boyfriends/girlfriends, neighbors, teachers, etc. is a healthy thing to do. Have you processed previous hardships in your life? These are some good steps towards becoming a more stable person.
Recently, I was helping a friend get through some deep sorrow she felt stuck in. I asked her to get a notepad and write down every incident she could recall when she had felt unloved or rejected. She ended up writing many pages. On her list she had written her junior high gym teacher that had embarrassed her several times in front of class. She also had a neighbor that was in the same friend group as her, but would often not invite her to go out with them. She had never shared her feelings with anyone before, and felt a lot of grief as we prayed through each painful memory. Both of us were crying by the time we combed through her list.
I encourage you to take the time recalling those painful episodes in your life. There is healing in releasing past hurts caused by people and life events.
Counseling can be an extremely helpful tool with this as well. Speaking with an objective professional can greatly increase one’s self awareness. Personally, I believe everyone could benefit from seeing a good therapist. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Knowing who you are in Christ is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself. Many people know Jesus, but they haven’t fully grasped how valued they are in His sight. Many still allow the world to define them, and are constantly looking for fulfillment and joy through a romantic relationship.
Becoming whole in Christ before you start dating is the best gift you can give yourself, your future spouse, and your future children.
Please don’t hear me wrong. Being whole in Christ is a lifelong process. We will never be completely whole, until we are in heaven with Jesus again. But, one of the best ways to prepare for a strong and healthy intimate relationship is to define ourselves through Christ first. Once we learn to love and receive His love for us, we can love ourselves, and then we are able to genuinely love others.
Many people have this backwards, and are searching for their fulfillment in a man or a woman. I know, because I did that most of my life. It’s in more recent years that I’ve learned that Jesus is truly where I find joy and lasting fulfillment. Jesus completes me. My husband doesn’t, my children don’t and nether do my girlfriends. Only Jesus can make me whole.
Hurting people hurt people.
It’s irresponsible and reckless to go into a dating relationship when you don’t know yourself or God well, first. Do your part, by doing some soul searching before you start a dating relationship. Whether you find a good counselor, seek the Lord more fervently, increase accountability in your life, or all of the above, be willing to take a step towards honest introspection and become a strong and stable individual.
And always remember, God is with you on your journey to enhancing the man or woman He created you to be, a whole and complete man or woman in Him.
“And you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” ~ Colossians 2:10
Photo of broken pots: Photo by Daniel Tafjord on Unsplash
Photo of broken heart: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Photo of couple holding hands: Photo by Jenna Jacobs on Unsplash
Very well said.
We cannot give to another what we have not given to ourselves…Love