What To Say And Do When Someone You Love Is Hurting

“I believe He wants us to love others so much that we go to extremes to help them. That’s the whole point of being a disciple of Jesus: we imitate Him, carry on His ministry, and become like Him in the process.” ~ Francis Chan

If you’ve ever gone through a heart ache you know that pain, whether physical or emotional, has a way of making you feel very lonely.

In the rawness of your sorrow, the response (or lack thereof) from others can make you feel even more isolated. People can hear you but they don’t always really understand. They mean well but they make general statements like, “Keep trusting God” or “May the Lord help you surrender all to Him.” Although comments like these are meant to encourage and support, they leave the grieved individual feeling guilty and alone.

I’ll be the first to confess that I’ve often thrown out clichés like, “God’s with you. He won’t leave your side” or “Lean on Jesus. He’s got your back” to a friend in pain. These phrases are certainly true, but are they really a comfort when someone’s husband has just walked out on them? Or if they’ve just lost a dear friend to a battle with cancer?

When someone is hurting, what they need the most is empathy. They need human contact.

Modern technology is a gift that has made life more manageable and convenient. It’s nice to be able to “chat” via text messaging, and be out to dinner with your family at the same time. However, this convenience has been used by the enemy as a trap to de-sensitize us to our relationships. The modern world has lost an intimacy because of technology.

We fool ourselves into believing that we are being a comfort just by shooting out a text message or an email,  “How are you? Praying for you.” There’s nothing wrong with this, except that when someone is in deep anguish there is a warmth missing in simply reading words.

A person in pain needs a heart to heart connection.

They need to be heard and they need to hear your words. They also need to feel your presence. None of these can be delivered through technology. A hurting person wants to know they are not alone and that someone cares for them enough to listen to their heart, pray over them, and/or just be with them.

They need you to be Jesus with skin on for them. 

So drop everything and pick up your phone, or go sit with your hurting friend.

When someone you love is hurting and you don’t know what to say or do, simply love them. Be their strength through your kindness and compassion.

As Colossians 1:27 tells us, “Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing His glory.” You are most like Christ when you show mercy to others by sacrificing your own agenda, and making yourself available to help the broken hearted. God’s most important commandment is for us to love Him and to love others.

People that are wrestling with pain need authenticity from you.

Be sensitive to their sorrow. Make sure to say things that will speak more personally, things like the following:

“I’m so sorry for your pain. I can’t even imagine what this feels like.”

“I love and care for you so much, but I don’t know how to help you. What do you need at this time?”

“I’m here for you. You are not alone.”

And here’s the worse thing you can do: avoid them. This is like putting salt on their already open wound. If texting is all you can do, that is still a better option than ignoring them.

If someone has reached out and shared a heartache with you, be persistent in connecting with them. Don’t assume that since some time has gone by that they are fine. Don’t allow the devil to tell you lies like, “She has a loving family that is supporting her.”

She needs you. Yes, you. More importantly, Jesus needs you. He needs you to be His arms, legs, and heart. Henry Blackaby puts it perfectly,

“God wants to reveal Himself to those around you by working mightily through you. He wants your family to see Christ in you each day. God wants to express His love through your life. There is a great difference between ‘living the Christian life’ and allowing Christ to live His life through you.”~ Henry Blackaby

Who do you know that needs to hear your voice today? Who in your life needs you to be like the “Good Samaritan” that stopped and helped the traveller who who was attacked by bandits? Go ahead, pick up that phone and call them. God will be so grateful you did, and so will your friend.

If you are hurting right now, I’d like to share something the Lord dropped into my heart recently; One cloudy day, when I was feeling a lot of pain He gently whispered to me, “the sun is still behind the clouds.” May that be a comfort to you as it has been for me. It may be “cloudy” right now, but the Son is right behind the darkness, ready to burst out. “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5). May you have grace for those that don’t know how to help you in your time of suffering and may you have the courage to ask for the encouragement you need at this hard time.

“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” ~ Romans 12:15