“…from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part…”
When Rebecca found out that her husband, David, was intimately involved with another woman, she immediately asked him to move out.
Rebecca was sure she did not want to stay with an unfaithful man and was confident that she would file for divorce. No one would blame her. Even God says divorce is acceptable in the case of infidelity (Matthew 5:32).
However, as the days went by Rebecca began to feel conflicted. She was still extremely angry towards her husband for betraying her, but she realized she also had feelings of fear, sorrow and doubt. Was divorce really her only option, she wondered.
When your marriage falls apart, divorce isn’t the only answer.
By the grace of God, and the counsel of some godly friends, Rebecca decided to put the divorce on hold, but to stay separated.
Today, Rebecca and David are happily married, though it took thirteen years of counseling, support groups and prayers to get there. It was their separation that saved their marriage.
One of the best things you can do when your marriage falls apart is to separate.
The time apart, if managed sensibly, can help you both clear your head. The truth is that the deterioration of a marriage is usually a cause of dysfunctional behavior that was there long before the two of you met.
In a troubled marriage, the natural instinct is to point the blame on your spouse. However, if you are both willing to take an honest look at your self, you can become a stronger individual and at the same time potentially save your marriage.
A separation is not a step towards a divorce.
I speak from experience. In 2002 my husband and I were at the doorstep of divorce. We decided to separate instead. Although we didn’t know it at the time, it was the best thing we could have done.
I agree with what author Gary Chapman says about separation:
“I don’t think separation equals divorce. Separation can lead to an absolutely wonderful marriage if we are willing to deal with the problems that led to the separation.”
Our separation was a “no contact” separation. What this means is that we mutually agreed to not have any contact with each other. Our marriage was so delicate that we couldn’t be around one another at all. We were toxic for one another.
My husband and I used the eighteen months apart as time to take an honest look at our individual selves.
It was during this time that the Lord began to soften my hardened heart. He led me to Matthew 7:5, which says, “Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” I felt like He was telling me to take a look at my part in the demise of my marriage. This was very hard to do because it was easier to blame my husband.
I went on a weekend retreat and it was there that the Lord spoke to me. It felt as though He handed me a mirror and told me to look at myself rather than my husband. On this retreat I wrote 2 letters to my husband that were very healing. One was an “angry letter.” This was a letter listing all the reasons I was so upset with him. The other letter was a lot more difficult to write. It was a letter admitting my part in the demise of our marriage.
This is where the journey of my own recovery began. I learned so much about myself during our separation. I discovered why I was the way I was. I identified wounds from my childhood that were still within me. I unveiled that I was a codependent. I began seeing a counselor as well as going to recovery support groups for codependency. I had a lot of healing to do.
During our separation, My husband, unbeknownst to me, had sought after his own inner healing.
We were separated for 18 months because we took the time to look at our own personal brokenness. We were able to reconcile because we were willing to do the work to become whole as individuals first. We have a better marriage today because of it.
It takes two people to make a marriage work.
It is very hard to reconcile a troubled marriage unless you are both willing to to look at your own part in the demise of the marriage. You don’t have to be all in at first, but you do have to be committed to your individual recovery.
If you are at the doorstep of divorce, thinking that your marriage is hopeless, please be willing to put your divorce on hold and try a no contact separation. Be willing to take God’s mirror and look honestly at yourself first. Sometimes just changing your own heart can change the entire marital atmosphere.
There are some circumstances where God understands the need for a divorce. The truth is, however, that God does not like divorce (Malachi 2:16). This is because He designed marriage to resemble Him and His love for his people, the church. Perhaps God designed marriage as a pathway to holiness?
If there’s even a drop of hope for your troubled marriage, I encourage you to surrender your emotions to God and be willing to do your part of taking a sincere look at yourself before you call it quits. Besides, the reality is you will only carry your “baggage” into your next relationship. Why not try to make it work with the one you’ve made a vow to stay with “’til death do you part”?
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Please leave me a comment below on any advice you may have for a troubled marriage.
“But once you have voluntarily made a vow, be careful to fulfill your promise to the Lord your God.” ~Deuteronomy 23:23
Photo Credit (mirror picture): Google Images
I hope this will encourage others to realize there is much that can be done to seek repair of their marriage. We live in a throw away society where people just want a “do over”, but when they don’t do anything to understand why they got divorced they often end up with a similar problem if they marry again. Why not see if there is something that you can do to help repair the marriage you have first. It is not always possible. As you say, bith have to have a desire to do their part. Thanks
Both men and women are very unfaithful more than ever these days which certainly explains it.