‘Every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father.” ~ John Eldredge
“You’re not listening,” said my husband. He was right. I was completely distracted by the interaction I was witnessing at the restaurant where my husband and I were having lunch.
At the table next to ours was a mother, a father and a young girl, maybe 5 or 6 years old. The little girl was talking a lot. She was precious, as little girls usually are. But that’s not what captured my interest. It was her father’s stoic, unemotional approach towards her that grabbed my heart, and broke it.
Not only did this man’s obvious lack of interest in his sweet little daughter make me sad, it was also how she kept looking at him…with hope, with eagerness, with desire. She so badly wanted her daddy to listen to her. She wanted her daddy’s attention, but he was preoccupied.
After this day I found myself thinking a lot about how critical a father’s love and attention is. A father is one of the most important role models in our lives. To feel loved and accepted by your dad is vital to you having a healthy relationship with God and with others.
Sadly, however, many men fall short of fulfilling their parental role and responsibility.
Some of your deepest wounds stem from a lack of intimacy with your earthly father.
The inability for a dad to form a loving, nurturing relationship with his child causes what is known as the “father wound” within.The effects of the father wound influence boys and girls differently. Also, every individual is uniquely made and will, therefore, struggle in their own separate way.
There are many who have absent fathers. This too is a heartache.
But there are many father’s that are physically available but not emotionally. They satisfy the material needs for their families, but are incapable of fulfilling the need for intimacy and connection.
When you don’t have a feeling of connectedness with your earthly dad, it can be hard to feel close to our Heavenly Dad.
Embracing the Father’s love is at the core of living the abundant life that Christ died for you to live (John 10:10).
If you struggle with understanding and receiving God’s love, it may be related to the internal pain caused by the lack of affection from your father. The father wound will block you not only from knowing God’s love for you, but also from your ability to love others fully.
However, there are some steps you can take to find restoration for your broken heart.
1. Take some time to meditate on what your relationship with your dad was like.
As painful as it may be you must re-visit the past and find where the gaps are. Go back to the times you felt rejected or hurt by your dad and face those painful memories. Maybe he didn’t protect you or keep you safe, or maybe he was never around. Whatever the case, write down any thoughts you may have. This is an important step towards resolving your pain.
It may help you to take a long hard look at the pictures in this blog post. What emotions do you feel when you see what your relationship with your father ought to have been? Many years ago, I did this exercise in a small recovery group I was leading. We passed around pictures similar to the ones in this blog post, photographs of fathers loving their children. The room was silent as each woman reflected on her own relationship with her earthly father. The only sound we heard was the sound of tears. For the first time ever, many of the women allowed themselves to feel the pain that night because they were willing to imagine what an endearing relationship with their dads would feel like. They told me later it was a very painful but healing exercise for them.
Try to discover and face the emotions you have carried with you due to the lack of love you’ve received from your father.
Allow yourself to grieve for the little child that was robbed of the rich relationship that comes from an attentive, caring father.
Step one in your healing from the father wound is to face your pain and to step out of denial.
2. Once you can admit that you have been wounded by your father, then you can start the process of recovery.
Go to your Father in Heaven and talk to Him about your sadness and pain. The truth is that He is the only one that can heal the father wound you carry. He is the only one that you can count on to never fail you or leave you (Hebrews 13:5-6).
You can trust Him to carry you through your journey of healing the father wound. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see the areas of your life that are bruised or damaged.
3. Forgive your dad.
This step may be the most painful one, but it is the most critical one.
Forgiveness is a process that starts with prayer. Pray through gritted teeth if you have to, but push yourself to pray and ask God to help you to forgive your dad.
Extend grace to your earthly father for all the imperfections he has. Forgive him for every pain he has caused you. Say it out loud. Cry if you need to cry.
If possible, have a friend with you for this step for support and encouragement.
Set yourself free from the father wound and allow your heavenly Father to heal you.
4. Recognize that only God the Father can fulfill all your needs.
It’s never too late to let God replace His love for that which was missing from your earthly father.
Take a risk, open your heart and fully grasp the Father’s love for you. He is your ultimate Daddy and He adoringly calls you His child (2 Corinthians 6:18).
May the Lord guide you and comfort you as you surrender your father wound to Him, and may you be healed forever so that you can live a rich and satisfying life.
Please leave me a comment below on if and how you have found healing from your earthly father’s wound.
“So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, ‘Abba, Father.‘” ~ Romans 8:15
Photo Credit: Google Images
Photo Credit: Google Images
Photo Credit: Google Images
Photo Credit: Google Images
Photo Credit: Google Images
Great word, Mama Randall. I appreciate it. <3
Thank you Rachel! 🙂
I have a wonderful dad and always think I had the best dad in the world. When I came to know God for the first time as a teenager and heard that He is our heavenly dad, that knowledge was foreign to me. However the more I learn about His attributes in Scripture the more I adore Him. I naturally sensed God’s love for me as a Father. I sensed his presence when my earthly dad could not be there. What you are saying here make a lot of sense. Would I have a harder time grasping the concept of my Heavenly Father’s love if I never saw tenderness from my earthly dad? I imagine so but what is impossible with man is not impossible with God. Jesus came to heal the father wound. Thank you Tweeny for that reflection on the father wound and how God fulfills our longings that our earthly father could not. Praise God for your spiritual insight on the father wound.
You are very blessed to have had a wonderful dad. I really don’t think it is the norm. I loved what you have written here~ ONLY God the Father can fulfill our longings. Love you!
It’s n unfortunate cycle that will only be remedied by men beginning to look to Jesus as their model of fatherhood. It typically passes from generation down so if a father’s not fed from above-Jesus-it can be difficult to nurture our children as they should and deserve to be nurtured. I know the early years were heavy with “because I said so” but fortunately transitioned to “because our God calls us to”.
Great post that I hope will challenge us to break a cycle if necessary
Will, I really love how you brought in a different angle on my post of the Father Wound. You are right on, the men need to change the cycle that began in past generations. You are a living example of God’s transformation in a father! Thank you for following Jesus so that you can be a better man, husband and father! I love you~
I have recently been facing my “father wound” and it’s been a difficult but fruitful journey. I love how God uses the hard things in our lives to make us see His grace and make things new. The plan is always for redemption. I have learned to not lose hope but also recognize how my lack of relationship with my father has affected me. However, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that far outweighs all earthly fathers. I agree with all that you said…such an important thing to face these wounds. Thank you for another great post!
Thank you so much for leaving such an honest comment here. I LOVED what you have written about God being a God of redemption! He is! Always!!! I’ve prayed for you and for your healing in this area of the father wound. May the love of Christ set you free from any issues that stem from your father wound. You are deeply loved by Him.
Amen! Still healing! Papa GOD kniws!
He loves you so much Mary! Keep receiving His grace and love. 🙂
Thank you for your post. I have a had a very rough journey. When I was born my father was in prison and was in and out of prison through my whole life. He suffers with a drug addiction and I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve seen him and im 23. He is in prison now. When i accepted Jesus as my Savior in 2011, I really struggled afterwards. I doubted that God had truly saved me, and I also had this feeling that God was not hearing me when I prayed. There was this feeling that I didnt belong like other Christians did and that God was not truly in my life. God seemed distant, very hard to reach, and just not interested in me. It has caused me to spiral into a deep depression, leading to suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Someone told me that it has something to do with my father and how I perceived God. I want to be healed so badly. Ive never experienced God’s love and I have been praying for a revelation of God’s fatherly love. Please keep me in your prayers. I feel an inner rawness and pain in the middle of my chest that I believe is from a broken heart.I am on a journey to find out who God really is.
Dearest Kendra,
My heart aches for you my precious sister. I honestly cannot imagine how painful it must be for you to not have had a father. This was never God’s plan for your life. Addictions are evil and are from the enemy. I’m grateful though that you gave your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ. However, it sounds like you’ve been “attacked” by the enemy in believing some of his lies. I want you to know, that you are not alone. The thief comes to STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY God’s people, and one of the ways he ATTEMPTS this is by filling people up with DOUBT…doubt about your salvation, doubt about if God hears your prayers or not, doubt about if God even loves you. THESE ARE ALL LIES…you must believe me when I say that GOD LOVES YOU. He really really does love you, and you will have to believe it BY FAITH. Are you a part of a church? Do you know of a church that may have a healing and deliverance prayer ministry? I would encourage you to find some mature sisters in Christ that can rally around you and pray with you and over you, and just encourage you. Also, keep seeking and asking God to reveal His love to you. He is faithful and will do so. Did you read my blog on “https://www.tweenyrandall.com/2013/02/27/how-i-know-he-loves-me/” If you haven’t please do so. I think it can encourage you.
I am and will continue to pray for you dear sister. Please contact me privately if you think I can further help you. God showed how much he loved you by sending His one and only Son into the world so that you, Kendra, might have eternal life through Him (1 John4:9).
Thank you Mrs.Randall, I appreciate your compassion. You are so right when you said the devil comes to steal,kill,and destroy and for a long time i was deceived into thinking God didnt love me and I directed all my rage at God for what i went through in my life. The devil is a master manipulator I can see.Yes I do belong to a church, im not sure if they have a healing and deliverance prayer ministry but I will ask when I go to church this Sunday.I will also continue to ask and seek God to reveal His love to me. I am currently listening to a DVD series called the Father’s Love and it actually teaches how our relationship with our earthly fathers can give us a distorted image of God. Its by Jack Frost from Shiloh Place (shilohplace.org). I will also read the blog entry you recommended.
Thank you for your prayers and yes I would like to contact you privately. I would really would like advice on how to begin healing.
Dear Kendra,
I have struggled with depression and negative thoughts most of my life. That’s probably why I can relate to your pain. If your church doesn’t have a formal healing and deliverance ministry, you may want to just find some mature Christians and ASK them if they would pray over you. YES, I LOVE Jack Frost’s teachings on the Father’s Love. I’m glad to hear you found them. It sounds like you are on the right track, but if I can help in any way please don’t hesitate to contact me. My email address is tweenyrandall@gmail.com and you can write to me there any time. Meanwhile, I’m continuing to pray for you. May the Lord’s peace be strong within you and may He reveal His love in a tangible way to you, His precious daughter. 🙂
Tweens, wonderful words thank you. OUR Heavenly Daddy wants us whole! Thanking Him for speaking through you and for HIS Holy healing love! Lu in JESUS, mary
Love you too. Thanks for leaving a comment.
Thank you for this wonderful message, even if it was written years ago. I cannot believe how God lead me to these words, as this subject of the “father wound” from a physically but not emotionally present father has been something I’ve been living with repercussions of, yet I’ve never fully realized it until now. Reading this article is literally a piece in the puzzle of how God has been working on digging up my broken, dirty heart & I believe He has used your post to really jumpstart my healing process in this area of my life. Praise Him! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for leaving me a comment on my blog post “Healing the Father Wound.” I’m touched that my words could be an encouragement to you. May the Lord continue to heal your heart. I praise Him for using me in your life in this way. God protect you and keep you strong in Him on your journey of recovery. Blessings to you sister. 🙂