“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~ Unknown
Something about me that many don’t know is that, due to some health issues, I live with chronic pain, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
How would anyone know? I look perfectly normal on the outside.
Like my physical pain, there are many women living with another kind of pain that no one can see- emotional pain. These are women that are in toxic marriages, feeling emotionally neglected and abandoned by their husbands.
Just as you can’t see someone’s chronic pain, you can’t see the inner bruises of emotional abuse.
We tend to think of domestic abuse as physical violence. However, a women who is treated disrespectfully by her husband may not be physically abused, but she is being emotionally abused. You can’t see her black and blue bruises because her pain is internal.
Despite the dishonoring ways these women are treated, many will continue to fight for their marriage, some even chasing after their husband, begging them to work out their relationship. What these dear women don’t realize is that every time they do this they are disrespecting themselves and allowing an opportunity for their husbands to further mistreat them.
In a sense, they are allowing another “punch,” another bruise. Please hear me correctly, I’m not saying the husband is not to blame for the abuse, but what I am saying is what I learned from my own recovery, which is that I had a role in the fact that I enabled my husband to not treat me right.
You see, many years ago I was emotionally abused by my husband. Today, however, by the grace of God, my marriage and my self esteem have been restored, and my husband and I are new creations in Christ. I now am able to use my experiences, strength and hope to help other women that are in broken marriages.
For example, I’ve been trying to help this one young lady for over a year now. I’ll call her “Kelsey.” I have grown very fond of Kelsey. She is a gem. She is attractive, very successful, outgoing, and just delightful. Kelsey is married to a man that makes her feel the complete opposite of this.
Kelsey’s husband lives an isolated life and does not share much with her. He often lies and keeps many secrets from her. Sometimes he is loving and kind towards her, but mostly he is cold, distant and angry. For the three years they have been married Kelsey has been trying to connect with her husband. For three years she has allowed him to take her on a roller coaster, pushing her away, and then pulling her back.
You can’t see them, but Kelsey has bruises all over her. Her bruises come in the form of rejection, low self-esteem, lack of self-respect and feelings of worthlessness.
When Kelsey asked her husband to come to marriage counseling and he didn’t show up, it was a punch in her face.
When she texted him pleading him to come to a recovery group she’s been attending and he didn’t show up, it was another punch.
She is beaten when she receives text messages from her husband saying “You are trash. You will never change. You will always be trash.”
The sad truth is that no matter how beautiful, intelligent and lovely Kelsey is, on some level she believes her husbands words and actions.
She, in fact, validates herself through her husband because Kelsey, like most emotionally abused women, is a codependent. A codependent defines her self worth by how others treat them.
It hasn’t been easy, but with the help of Jesus, recovery groups and counseling, Kelsey is beginning to see her inner bruises and is willing to crawl out of her hole of lies that the emotional abuse has brought her.
Kelsey is learning that she is not a victim and that she can make different choices. She is beginning to understand that respecting herself means making healthy boundaries that have consequences for her husband’s disrespectful behavior. She is learning to tell her husband firmly, “no, I will not get on the roller coaster with you anymore.”
But first Kelsey had to learn to believe in herself. She had to grasp the truth that God made her beautiful in His image, and that He has a unique, and special plan for her life.
One of the first steps to stop the emotional abuse is to recognize your worth.
Your self image will begin to evolve once you can begin to grasp, with your heart, how much God loves you. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His love for you.
Learn who you are in Christ by believing in God’s promises written in the Bible. They were written for you.
As you begin to see yourself through God’s perspective, you will begin to love yourself. And as you learn to love yourself you will find value and purpose for your life.
Find a good Christian counselor and a support group.
If you have been emotionally abused your wounds go deep and you will need counseling as well as a group that can relate to your pain and support you on your road to recovery. Just a word of caution here though, please be careful in the counseling you seek. Unfortunately, there are a lot of Christian leaders, and pastors that will tell women like Kelsey, that she needs to be submissive at all costs. I disagree with this.
As Christians we are to be mutually submissive (that’s another blog some day), not just the husband having “power” over his wife. God never wants anyone to be in an abusive relationship.
Emotional abuse is a very serious issue and should not be ignored. If you are an emotionally abused woman, please seek help. It may help you to imagine yourself with black and blue bruises on your body, because the truth is, the bruises are there -inside of you.
Although you may feel powerless over your situation, you do have control over your choices.
May you find the courage and strength to choose healing, through Jesus Christ and others that can help you.
If you are in a painful marriage and feel emotionally beat up, I encourage you to break the unhealthy cycle you and your husband are in by seeking help for yourself. You can start immediately by focusing on God’s love for you and reestablishing your self respect through Him.
Please leave me a comment below and share any wisdom you may have on how to handle emotional abuse.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” ~ Ephesians 2:10
NOTE: Please feel free to email me at tweenyrandall@gmail.com if you need guidance on this subject.
Photo 1 Credit: GettyImages
Photo 2 Credit: GettyImages
Praise God for you Tweeny! You speak such bold truths with the love of Jesus flowing through your heart in this blog. I too know women in this kind of marriage and along with you, I pray that they will open their hearts to God’s love.
I praise God for you Lolly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement. Also, thank you for praying with me for these hurting women. I love you sis~
Dear Sisters in Christ!
I was so bless to receive the link to Tweeny’s blog this morning from my dear friend. God is so good! This particular blog spoke directly to me and I feel led to share my personal story of abuse in hopes that God might use me and my journey to help other women.
Like Tweeny, I live with daily chronic pain and have been in a marriage for over 20 years where I have suffered tremendous psychological and emotional abuse.
When we married, my husband was a unbeliever. I was a believer but not walking with The Lord. Early in my marriage, I began seeking God again through reading His word, bible studies and prayer. I desperately want to have a marriage that was Christ- centered. My prayers were answered was encouraged by my husband’s acceptance of The Lord over 10 years ago and later by his involvement in a men’s bible study at church.
I continued to harbor anger and bitterness however, as a result of his inability to acknowledge and apologize for some of his past behavior. I tried to turn this over to God and thought that I had forgiven him. Although I was aware that I kept trying to “convict” him of his sin, something I have finally decided is God’s job not mine!
Recently, my husband exhibited behavior that triggered tremendous emotional pain during a period when I was experiencing tremendous fatigue and physical pain. I was so devastated by his actions that
I saw no other way out but to separate and file for divorce.
This decision was extremely difficult for me to make given that both my husband and I are followers of Christ and I believe that the covenant of marriage is sacred. I did not like the person I had become over the years of being subjected to the abuse cycle.
By staying in a relationship where the abuse have never been admitted, over time I had allowed pent up anger to lead me to to respond in destructive ways towards him. My children were starting to blame me for always being angry. I believe God led me to finally take action to stop the “crazy cycle”.
Through God’s grace and mercy, I have been able to gain clarity about how I have been the enabler in our relationship. I have taken ownership for my attitudes and behaviors that contributed to enduring abuse for so long.
Even through I have experienced so much pain, I still love my husband and now feel my marriage is worth fighting for. I feel God has lead me to drop the divorce proceeding and to remain separated while continuing to heal my soul and restore my marriage.
This decision takes the kind of courage that only God can provide. Although husband and I desperately want an intimate marriage relationship, it will require us to move forward in faith. We have each expressed our fears of falling back into destructive habits and behaviors.
I believe God led me to a wonderful book called ” How To Stay Married and Love It” by Nancy Landrum with her husband Jim. As a Christian couple they have survived an abusive relationship by developing (with God’s help) very practical methods of understanding and communicating our deepest needs and listening to our spouses. The except use if identifying “Destructive Communication Tools” has already helped my husband and I address and change the way we speak and listen to each other.
Many time the abuse is a result of deep wounds that one or both partners have experienced in early childhood. They are often buried so deep that we refuse to go through the emotional pain to confront the fact that they have contributed the problem of abuse.
My journey has been a long one and is by no means over. For me the first step towards recovery was when I admitted I was in an abusive relationship and actively acknowledged it. I realized that I could not continue to do nothing in hopes that my marriage would improve.
When I asked God for help, He led me to a bible study leadership training class where I confided in the leader. She in turn lead me to a Christian abuse counselor gave me permission to consider getting out of the marriage should my spouse not seek repentance. For the first time, I felt validated even though my husband and I had been in individual and joint counseling for most of our marriage.
Unfortunately many churches and Christians alike are not openly addressing the issue of abuse within Christian marriages. Don’t become discouraged by those in the church who might not support your efforts to address abuse in your marriage. Please arm yourself with courage and diligently seek God’s wisdom. The Holy Spirit will guide you.
If you are currently in an emotionally, financially or physically abusive relationship I encourage you to ask God for wisdom to discern if He wants you to temporarily separate. You may need to create like I did, the much needed space to care for yourself and your children so that you can experience the peace God so desperately wants us to know as His children.
There are county abuse programs that offer informative free classes for abuse victims. Overcome the feeling of initially feeling afraid, ashamed and embarrassed. You’d be surprised at how many other women just like you who are in destructive marriages.
There are also wonderful ministries such as Focus Ministries in Elmhurst Illinois that are amazing at offering support for abused women. This organization has worked with women to create abuse awareness within churches.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by dear Christian friends and strong believers such as Tweeny, who like myself are desirous of remaining in God’s will and purpose for their lives. I believe strongly that Satan desires to use the secret of abuse in the church to destroy families and marriages and distract us from being used fully for the purpose God intends.
God can and will use your own personal “story” of abuse to help minister to hope of Christ to others! As Jeremiah 29:11 states, ” I know the plans I have for you”, declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future.” I pray that all of you will be courageous as you fight for your marriage and Cling to this promise!!
Dear Hope~ thank you for sharing your story with us. This is very informative. I praise God for the choices you have made, and especially to choose healing for yourself! I loved this line: “For me the first step towards recovery was when I admitted I was in an abusive relationship and actively acknowledged it.” You are right that the first step towards healing is stepping out of our denial.
You really should be blogging! 🙂
Do yoou mind if I quote a few of your articles
as long as I provide credit and sources back to your weblog?
My website is in the very same area of interest as
yours and my users would really benefit from some of the information you provide here.
Please let me know if this okay with you. Cheers!
Hello,
Yes, I’m okay with you quoting my blog posts, as long as you give me credit. May they be a blessing to whomever may read them.
Thanks for checking with me. 🙂