When Expectations Become Dangerous

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ~ Donald Miller

Every day is filled with expectations.

To a certain degree, expectations are necessary and normal. For example, we expect others to follow road rules and to respond politely to our greetings. I expect my husband to come home for dinner every night.  I expect my children to be well mannered.

Expectations can be motivating and healthy. For example, when we have expectations for ourselves. We may want to be a better wife and/or mother and so we read books on the subject and practice the fruit of the Spirit more consciously.

Sometimes, however, expectations can be toxic.

Expectations become dangerous when we, consciously or sub-consciously, try to manipulate others with our own standards.

I lived many years feeling offended because of my high expectations of others.

I use to expect my friends and family to reach out to me in a specific way during my times of need. When it wouldn’t happen I would feel a lot of negative emotions towards the individual involved.

My unrealistic expectations of others put a barrier within my relationships. On top of this, I would feel unhappy because of the inner turmoil of my resentment, bitterness and anger.

Through counseling, support groups and the Holy Spirit, here’s what I have learned in recognizing and processing unhealthy expectations.

1. Learn to express your needs in a loving way.

Others cannot read your mind.  Being in touch with your feelings and learning how to communicate them to others is very helpful to your relationships.

2. It is important to be understanding.

Always try to think the best of others. Most people have good intentions and do not purposefully want to hurt you. Do not take it personally when others don’t respond in a way you had hoped they would.

Life gets busy and/or people are simply not aware of your needs. Try to be intentionally understanding of others.

Sometimes we just need to learn to expect little from certain people.

3. Learn to extend grace towards those you expected a particular response from.

When I think of how much grace  Jesus has extended to me I am able to be gracious towards others too.

We need to be more like Him in all areas of our life, including the disappointment we may feel towards others.

4.  You can safely put all your expectations in Jesus Christ. 

Put your hope and confidence in God.  He will never fail you or abandon you (Hebrews 13:5).

Strive to trust Him in all areas of your life and with all your circumstances. He is trustworthy (Proverbs 29:25).

Walk in His will  and you will walk in His peace (Isaiah 26:3).

Talk to Him when you feel offended or hurt by someone not meeting your expectations. Jesus understands and He can encourage you.

Your internal peace is determined largely by your own attitude and thoughts. One way to walk on the path of freedom from resentment, bitterness and anger is to let go of your expectations of others (tweet this).

You cannot control the actions of others, but you can control your response to their actions.

The bonus of living this way is that it frees you up to love others more realistically and authentically.

We are all imperfect. May God help us learn to accept and love others through letting go of our high expectations of them.

Please leave me a comment below on how you handle unmet expectations.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.“~ Jeremiah 17:7