Making personal boundaries is part of a strong, healthy relationship. Voicing your needs and wants in a constructive manner helps others understand you better. Having boundaries define what is valuable to you.
Forming a boundary, however, can be intimidating.
I never knew what a boundary was until my marriage fell apart and my husband and I were separated. It was through intensive counseling and recovery groups that the world of boundaries was introduced to me.
Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that you put up for yourself and others in order to express your comfort zones. They are like property lines around your heart.
I am so grateful for the understanding of personal boundaries that I have today. My life has changed for the better because of them.
I have learned that having boundaries are not only important, they are necessary.
Boundaries say “I respect myself and I want you to also.” (Click here to tweet this). They are a way of guarding our hearts, which is something that God wants us to do (Proverbs 4:23).
Making healthy personal boundaries and following through with them is almost an art. Many people don’t understand boundaries and they end up treating others as if they are punishing them.
Boundaries are not to be used as a form of punishment.
We make boundaries with others to help others understand what is important to us.
God is a God of boundaries. The Holy Bible is full of guidelines, rules and limits for mankind.
God tells us clearly what we can or cannot do in regards to our relationship with Him. This is one way we know how to respect and honor Him. For example, God says we are to have no other Gods before Him (Exodus 20:3).
Since we are to model our lives after God, we need to have healthy guidelines with all of our relationships.
So how do you learn the art of making a boundary?
1. First of all you have to learn to recognize what your triggers are.
A trigger is anything in your life that makes you feel uncomfortable and/or “triggers” a negative emotion within you. For example, I feel unloved and unimportant when I am in a car with someone and they are on their cell phone. It makes me feel disrespected.
After I recognize that I feel uncomfortable, I then need to express this to my loved ones.
2. State the boundary clearly
Be specific as to what you are requesting of others to honor.
Lead with how a certain behavior makes you feel.
Make sure your tone of voice is calm and in control.
For example, I would say it like this: “I feel disrespected when I am in the car alone with you and you are on your cell phone. I would like to ask you to refrain from talking on your cell phone when you are in the car with me.”
3. After stating what you need, you must state a consequence.
This is a very important part of boundaries because if you don’t state a consequence your boundary is not a boundary but simply a request.
The consequence that you state must be realistic and appropriate. Don’t make a consequence that you are not sure you can implement if your boundary is broken.
For example, I would say, “If you talk on your cell phone again while in the car with me, I will have to ask you to get a ride with someone else in the future.”
4. If the boundary is broken follow through with what you said your consequence would be.
Step four is probably the most critical step in your boundary. If you don’t follow through with your consequence your entire boundary will be a failure.
It is only when you follow through with your consequence that you make it clear that you are serious.This is the step that proves your authenticity.
Step four is also the hardest part of a boundary.
If you are not going to be sincere with your own feelings, needs and wants, no one else will be either.
Know and identify your limits.
Always remember that boundaries are not barriers. They are not locked gates, but they are swinging gates.You can change or tweak your boundary at any time, depending on how comfortable you feel.
The key is to respect yourself and your feelings. Be willing to be flexible and compromising, but not at the cost of disregarding what makes you feel insecure.
If you aren’t honest with others about your feelings, you will most likely build up resentment. Holding in negative emotions is never healthy within a relationship.
If you don’t respect yourself, others won’t either. It is honorable to have mutual understanding and respect in your relationships.
God loves you and He wants you to take care for yourself. Having healthy personal boundaries is a way to do that.
Please leave me a comment on your thoughts on boundaries. Do you find them difficult to make? Why or why not? If you need help with boundaries, please feel free to email me. I would be delighted to help you.
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” ~ Proverbs 4:23.
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Well done my dear!