April 21, 1986
Dear Diary,
It seems ever time I write in here I am feeling the same way- lonely. God, I hate this so much. I feel like I am being eaten alive by this horrible enemy. I want to love someone so badly. Why is it so difficult? Bob has been in and out of my life. He is a real decent person but he’s all messed up. They all are. But what is Tweeny to do? Go on living all by herself. It’s so incredibly sad. I feel so empty all the time. Please God, don’t you think I deserve a break? Please send someone my way- please.
………….
The other day my children started asking me questions about my upbringing. Because I grew up in Europe and yet went to an American school I think it fascinates them. So, from time to time they will ask me to share stories from my past.
It may also fascinate them because I was not raised as a Christian but they have been. My childhood is dramatically different from theirs because of that.
Last night, my daughter ran upstairs and got my diary from when I was in my early twenties. She read excerpts out loud, like the one above. It was really very sad for me (and perhaps for my kids too) to hear entry after entry my “need” to find the right man and also to hear of the many failed relationships I went through.
My children, who are 22, 20 and 17 are all currently single- not because we have told them that they can’t date, but out of choice. The reason they don’t date is because they feel that dating is a special thing and therefore want to be serious and intentional about who they date. When they do choose to date, they know it will be an important decision and not taken too casually.
I, however, grew up with a completely different mindset. I was dating by the age of fifteen, thinking it was the “cool” thing to do. Most relationships lasted a month. Anything more than a month was “serious.” I don’t remember even thinking about who I was dating. I just dated anyone that showed an interest in me.
It’s the attitude and motive behind why I would date anyone that is the difference between how my children are living and how I lived when I was their age. I was dating different people all the time because I was empty and lonely. I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
The world and its social norms haven’t changed- teenagers both then and now still date and date and date. The difference is Christ. Growing up I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus, and therefore had a hole in my heart. I kept thinking that Tommy, Joe, Steve, or whoever would be the one to fill that hole in my heart. That never happened- It never would.
Since my children each have an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I believe the motive for dating is different for them. For them it isn’t about filling some kind of void in their hearts, but rather wanting to live out what may be God’s will in their lives. Meanwhile, they are satisfied waiting…
Waiting and trusting God with His plans for their lives.
There is an incredible peace that comes with living like this. A peace that I never knew when I was their age. I am so grateful that my children do. I’m also grateful to have kept my diaries from BC (before Christ) days. Reading them reminds me of the radical transformation that Christ has done in my life.
The proof of Jesus being alive today is in transformed lives. All I have to do is look at my own life, as well as my children’s lives to see this truth. Praise God!
How about you? What is your attitude towards casual dating? What is your motive?
“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” ~ 2 Timothy 2:22
