One of the keys to enjoying a rich life is to live for God and not for man. There is nothing that robs us of our joy more than putting our self worth, our identity, in what others think of us. I am convinced that this is the one thing that time after time robs me of living in the fullness of life that Christ died for me to live.
It’s very natural to want others to like us. We feel good about ourselves when they do. We feel happier when people treat us with love, respect and dignity. All of this is very normal. The flip side of this is that when others don’t treat us right, we can feel sad and even depressed. This too is normal. Its a human need to want to be loved and accepted.
How much, however, do you let others validate you? There is a difference between wanting to be accepted by others and actually validating yourself through others.
If the approval of others is what we allow to define us, then there is a problem. It is impossible for every single person who crosses our path to like us, regardless of how cool, smart, or loving we are. There’s just some people that are not going to “click” with us, for a multitude of reasons.
So why is it that we allow others to shape how we view ourselves? Why is it that we allow ourselves to be controlled by what other people think of us?
I believe it is because somewhere in our past we received the message that we were worthless.
For example, when I was in seventh grade, one of my friends started a rumor about me, unbeknownst to me. One day I sat down to lunch with everyone, like I did every day. Except this day they all got up and moved to another table. That was thirty-nine years ago and I can still remember the humiliation and pain that I felt in that moment, as well as in the days ahead- for two weeks no one spoke to me. I would spend entire school days completely silent. During my lunch break I would either go sit in the library or in a toilet stall, and I would write hate letters to myself.
I completely blamed myself. I allowed my peers to control my thoughts about myself, I validated myself through them. I told myself “well, they must be right, and there must be something wrong with me.” Thirty-nine years later, I still wrestle with thoughts like this.
The lie that still plays through my head goes like this “people don’t like me.” Even though two weeks later my “friend” confessed that she had lied about the rumor and everyone started speaking to me again, I had been scarred. It is no different than being in an accident resulting in a physical scar. This is an emotional scar that is always with me.
What is your story? Who rejected you? Who made you feel like you were un-worthy? What lie have you believed about yourself? If you struggle with validating yourself through other people, it is likely you have a past with deep rooted pain.
There is only ONE person that will always speak the truth about you, and that is Jesus Christ. He is the only one that knows you better than anyone in the whole world.
In fact, He knows you better than you know yourself (Psalm 139). He will never stop loving you (Romans 8:37-39) . He calls you His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10) and He will never abandon you (Hebrews 13:5).
I’m not saying the desire for man’s approval goes away, but it does get easier. I still struggle today when I feel rejected by someone. The difference, however, is that I don’t stay there. It may take me a day or more, but if I just keep talking to God about my pain and feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy, He helps me to re-define myself through Him.
And this is the key- knowing who I am in Christ. I have to turn to the Bible and read who God tells me that I am and then I have to believe that that is the truth. We cannot trust and believe man- we can only trust and believe God. All humans are sinners and therefore will always fail us, at some point. God, on the other hand, will never fail us.
The more I surrender to Christ in this way and look to Him for approval, the more I validate myself through Him and live with peace. This is how I am set free from being a prisoner of man’s approval. The same will hold true for you.
I would love to hear your story. Do you struggle with wanting the approval of others?
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”-Galations 1:10.
Well done as always my friend!
This is not something I personally struggle with because I grew up with a very loving Godly family. I knew from a very early age (pre school) that others may not like me, but I needed to live for God and for His approval. Because I had become one of his children at such an early age, I knew that I was “precious in His sight” as the song goes. Knowing who I am in Christ has always been a key factor for me.
But, you are right, I see people struggle with this their whole life. I am reminded again of how blessed I was to be raised in the faith.
Blessings on you this day and always my sweet friend.
Sherry, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. You are blessed indeed my dear friend. I would love to know if all that are raised with Christ feel the same as you.
I thank God for you Sherry. Thank you for being such a faithful servant of the Lord.
I love you~
Tweeny
You pose an interesting question: Are all the children that are raised in strong Christian homes this secure in their identity in Christ? In my humble opinion, if they are parenting well, the answer would be a resounding yes! I believe this is what God calls Christians to do as parents, to instill in their children, the value of who they are in Him as His children, not the opinion of the world. Thanks for making me think more about that today! We are blessed to be His creation, and His children.
I love you too!
Sherry
I agree with you Sherry, that our parents play a big role in our self identity. What if, however, if, like me, a child doesn’t share their rejection with them? What if, like me, the child keeps it inside and, therefore, allows negative beliefs enter? I just wonder how a parent could even teach if they were ignorant to it….
Love the feedback~ Thanks so much my dear. Love you~
Because I was blessed to be raised with Godly parents, they were proactive in telling me basically from a year old on up how precious and valued I was, not only in their eyes but in God’s. As I grew a little older, 2 yrs., and then 3 yrs., they continued to build on that and instilled my worth in His eyes. Each night we read a Bible story and prayed before bed. They thanked God for me, and prayed for the wonderful future He had planned for me. We sang early Sunday School songs together about how precious I was in His sight. I never had an opportunity to doubt all of this. Children believe, they absorb, what they are taught. I believed I was valued, that I was planned, and that I was very special.
This is what I believe is the role of Christian Godly parents, to instill their worth in their Heavenly Father. When you are trained this way from birth, you are truly blessed.
Sherry-it touches my heart to hear how you were raised. You are truly very blessed. Love your mom and dad so much. And look at how many lives you have been able to touch for the kingdom.
Again, thank you for your feedback and input. I hope it bless others like it has me.
Love you so much~
Tweeny
Tweeny,
What you say is true, and to go further in thinking about this subject, here is something I’ve tried to do when I’ve felt rejected, disliked and unaccepted. (I’m pretty sure my mother taught me to do this) I first ask the Lord to show me why this person might feel this way and if there is anything I need to change – you know, think of others as better than yourself. If God confirms an area I need to change, I do it, while I also pray for my relationship with the person to improve. The Lord often reveals the insecurity of the other person and allows me a glimpse into their pain so I may show them the grace and compassion He has shown me.
Many times the “enemy” has become more like a “friend”.
Now, God has also said to me – Leave this person alone – he/she is not good for you and so I leave the person to Him. My desire is to glorify God and allow Him to teach and transform me!
Love, Debbie
Debbie-Thanks so much for sharing that wisdom. I love it. I just wondered if you were doing that as a child or more when you were an adult? It’s such a healthy and God honoring way to live.
I so appreciate you my friend~
My first memory of being taught compassion was sometime before fifth grade. Boys would bother, taunt, and tease us as we rode our bikes in the neighborhood and walked home from school and I remember crying and telling my mom I hated them. She took the time to tell me what might be causing their behavior and to show compassion. She said “Remember, their mothers love them like I love you and think they’re wonderful.”
My first year of teaching (21 yrs. old) there was a female teacher that hated me. I heard her tell someone she couldn’t understand how I even got hired. I began to try to speak to her, compliment her and pray for her. By Christmas, she stopped me and personally told me she was glad I was a teacher at the school and that she admired the way I related to the students. Sooo as an adult, I try to continue to do the same – see things from the others’ perspective. Recognize their insecurities and possible reasons for their behaviors. Thanks for your thoughts on this blog. They have been a blessing to me, as you have always been!
I really love this Debbie! We need not always take things personally!! You started at a very young age to learn this lesson. It’s wonderful. You have always been a godly role model to me! Thank you:)
Tweens, AMEN!!!!!! The more I am rooted and grounded in HIS LOVE and HIS WORD,the more I can live confident before HIM and others!!!! Love in JESUS,mary
So true Mary, thar we have more confidence as we allow Christ to fill us up. It’s the secret to the abundant life. Love you sis~Tweeny
Mary, it’s so true that we become confident people as we trust Christ with every detail of our lives. Thanks for your feedback! Love you sis~Tweeny
Tweeny, I love this post! Years ago in my early 20s a lady (prophetes) said to me ” your dealing with rejection!” I didn’t know where the rejections was coming from…but as time progressed and as I matured I recognized that there had been times of rejections. I added a part to my personality…. trying to please some people that I knew didn’t care for me and who took my kindness for weakness. Now, because I know Jesus I no longer have to please people in fear of being rejected. God has not rejected me…I know he will not leave me nor forsake me! Thanks for these posts they are very helpful. God bless you!
Casey, thank you so much for sharing from your heart here. The roots of rejection go very deep and are challenging to pull out. Many may spend their entire lives struggling with issues that stem from roots of rejection. Without Christ it’s impossible, but with Him we have strength, encouragement and hope. I can relate with you on people that take my kindness as a weakness. This is a lie. Kindness is pleasing to God, and ultimately, that’s who we are aiming to please, always.You are right on-God will never reject you, leave you or fail you. Thanks for your feedback on my blog. It blesses me so much.God bless you~